How to Survive Alien Invasion!

Dear fans and readers,

We are Saussi & Peppi, The Sausage Heroes of The Daily Wealthy Affiliate novel newspaper. The Joker disappeared and we do not know what happened to him, he is gone for months now and we are very worried. Ever since no new news articles were published, we have decided to take over and help all survivors out there to survive.

Has The Joker been kidnapped by aliens? If anyone knows the whereabouts of The Joker, our Editor in Chief, please leave your comments below or contact us by email.

The alien invasion is still ongoing and from several survivors we learned how to survive an alien invasion on campus. Therefore, we have decided to make you this little survival guide for the time being. You can receive this guide at following safe harbours:

1. Drone Hunters Resistance Camp South-West;
2. Drone Hunters Resistance Camp far North-East;
3. Drone Hunters Resistance Camp Central Base;
4. The Daily Wealthy Affiliate novel newspaper main entrance.

How to Survive Alien Invasion Guide!

This guide was written on the 17th of November 2018, all rights remain, copyright 2018 by Saussi & Peppi, The Sausage Heroes of The Daily Wealthy Affiliate novel newspaper.

Introduction

This alien survival guide is written for you, the survivor, with the goal to survive!

Do not read this guide under any circumstance, when you are under the influence of alien mindfulness, if you are an alien, if you are a zombie, if you are a troll, if you are a monster, if you are not human, if you do not know what you are.

Excluded are: we; Saussi & Peppi, The Sausage Heroes; McTeddy, Teddy Bear Hero; A.A.I.L.A., Rockbot and anyone else from the Heroes still alive and around.

Chapter 1

How to Survive Alien Invasion and How To Stay Safe!

Congratulations, you made it to chapter one of our “How to Survive Alien Invasion Guide” and you are still a survivor!

Please follow up our advice if you want to survive and stay safe till this alien invasion at the Wealthy Affiliate University is finally over:

1. If you are still at the place, where you received this survival guide, please stay there, it is safe for the time being;
2. If not, go to the nearest save harbour near you, see list of places in this survival guide;
3. If out of reach, go home and lock yourself in. Make sure you are alone, close all windows and doors. Better hammer some wooden shelves to the doors and windows, to barricade your house;
4. If you are afraid, alternatively climb into a tree and stay there till it is over. Tip: take some food and drinks with you (meaty sausages for example) for at least one month, we do not know how long it will take till the invasion is finally over. If you have to share your tree place with another animal, stay friends, you never know, should you ever run out of food…;
5. If you are not at a safe harbour, please do not make any noise as that can trigger alien’s and monster’s attention.

Chapter 2

How to Defend Yourself!

Oh you are still here? Great let’s get meaty and learn tactics to defend yourselves against hungry aliens. There are several ways we know off that can help you to defend yourself against some of the attacks that took place already. We will name the ones being used successfully. Besides of that, have a look at Fard’s Enterprise weapon arsenal currently on sale due to an ongoing Alien Rat Invasion in England.

Tip 1

Identify Your Attacker by Making a Photo!

If you are making a photo of someone, who might be an alien, note they may react in a way to take away your camera / phone in an attempt to stop you from seeing its true identity by looking at that photo you just made. If this happens to you, here are some simple tricks to stop anyone in doing so:

1. Yell for help as loud as you can (someone may come to your aid);
2. Hit the entity with your fists or your camera / phone;
3. Turn up the flashlight at maximum and blind the entity (warning works on humans too);
4. Run away as fast as you can.

Tip 2

Old Ladies Handbag Defense!

This tip came from Supatra, our Special Undercover Agent, and was proven working successful against any kind of attacker. Besides of the special handbags with special powers, a simple handbag can do the trick already. When attacked, take your handbag and smash it on your attacker as hard and as often as you can. Add some weights into your handbag to increase the areal effect.

Tip 3

Use Unrecognized Language to Confuse Your Attacker!

As aliens are still learning how we live from us humans, talking backwards will confuse any entity if you are human or not. Here are some text lines you can learn and use in your defense:

1. I ma a namuh dna erom roirepus sa uoy lliw reve eb;
2. Issuas dna Ippep era eht stom suoiciled dna ytaem segasuas tuo ereht;
3. Og kcab erehw uoy emac morf uoy yhtlif neila;
4. Ot eb ro ton ot eb taht si eht noitseuq uoy evah on rewsna rof.

Tip 4

Persuade Your Attacker You Are a Poor and Stupid Person!

Aliens are out for our wealth and information that can help them to conquer planet Wealthy Earth. One of the reasons why we are under attack as the university exactly teaches that. So make sure you are of non interest to your attacker and they might leave you alone.

1. If you are not alone, tell the attacker to kidnap your colleague, who is much smarter and wealthier. (warning you might get into trouble with your colleague and having a fight about who is the most intelligent and wealthy person to be kidnapped);
2. Cry and pity yourself. Tell your attacker about the many bills you are having, which you need to pay and you do not have the money to do that. Ask for theirs to help you out, keep on nerving your attacker and you will see how fast they are gone. (anyone for that matter of speaking);
3. Tell your attacker you are having an awesome IQ, because you know everything of knowing nothing;
4. Start a striptease (as crazy as it sounds, the more stupid it looks, the bigger the chance anyone will believe you are nuts).

Chapter 3

What To Do if You Got Kidnapped!

Should it still happen, there are ways how you can escape your faith from your kidnapper(s). Learn all these tips as they may save your life, should you still get kidnapped.

1. If you find yourself in an alien spacecraft, look for a lever in your holding cell. Some alien spacecrafts are having these levers to escape in case an alien has locked itself in;
2. Call 711 711, this is the helpline from The Daily Wealthy Affiliate novel newspaper. Should you be in space add 00711 to the number as this is the space numeric code for international space calls. Make sure you can describe the place where you are being held captive. Anything helps so even if you can’t see where you are and all is dark;
3. Keep calm and love to be alien.

Final Words

More helpful content may be added over time, if it can help you to escape your faith. If you survived an alien attack or kidnapping, leave your experience below and we may add your useful tips to this survival guide.

Disclaimer: This survival guide was written with the utmost care and should be used for your survival during the ongoing alien invasion at the Wealthy Affiliate University. Only commit with what you are confident with and make sure you read and study this survival guide on a regular and repeatedly base. This survival guide does not guarantee your safety and we do not take any liability for possible errors, kidnappings and other outrageous happenings, while using this survival guide before, during or after this ongoing alien invasion.

Stay Safe and Meaty!

Saussi & Peppi, The Sausage Heroes of The Daily Wealthy Affiliate

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